Having run out of chloroform, I devised an elaborate plan to get Susy- Q over my shoulder. Not being the violent type, I solicited the help of my closest friend, Jim Graham, lead cameraman for the noon broadcast.
"Jim, remember when I payed that loan you owed? Well, it's payback time. I guarantee you'll escape criminal charges for what I'm about to ask of you."
I told him the plan--which called for him to play the part of a deranged cameraman. Jim laughed and said, "Sure, I'll do it, buddy. She is not a nice lady off camera. I'm glad to see that mouse invention of yours finally works. Just make sure you point and click at the three of us, so that we're invisible to the rest of the world. Meet me at the studio and I'll let you in."
At 12:08, Sue rose from the desk and started to do the weather. I pointed and clicked the mouse at her. Sue was now cloned and invisible to everyone but Jim and me. Perfect! I pointed and clicked at Jim and myself, and now, it was time for business. At 12:11, Sue started to talk about a cold front in the upper Michigan Peninsula, when Jim, the "deranged cameraman", stepped out from behind the camera, fired a shot into the air, and pointed his gun at me.
"I demand you lift and carry that lady over your shoulder. And, she had better be limp."
"Oh, God, what kind of crazy shit is this?," Sue asked. "What's going on, here? Where is the security guard?"
"Better do as he says," I said to her. "Just pretend you've fainted and I'll take care of the rest."
"Oh, shit, why does this creep want to see me carried over your shoulder?"
"I don't know, but it seems a small price to pay to keep this wacko from killing us."
Without waiting for any further protest from the scared and upset news anchor, I crouched, seized her by the right wrist with my left hand, drew her toward myself and over my head, pulled her smoothly over my right shoulder, and planted my shoulder well below her navel. Nimitz would be proud. I wrapped my right hand firmly around the backs of both knees, squeezing her thighs
"Are you happy, you sick creep? What the hell is the point of this? I don't even know this lady" I winked at Jim.
I couldn't believe my good fortune, I thought to myself as I stared at the 12 televison monitors showing the cleavage of this tamed babe's derriere. How could her husband resist an OTSC for all these years? This is like nailing a virgin.
Jim fired another shot in the air. "I said to go limp, young lady! Stop trying to raise yourself up! I'm in control, now!"
Knowing she was upset and crying, I calmly said to Sue, "Do as he says. Just pretend like you're at aerobics class, doing your stretching to get limber. I'm going to let go of your wrist. Now, just let your arms hang down and let all the energy flow out of your body. This will be over in a few minutes. Just relax...That's a good girl, I said, patting her lightly. After three minutes of her being motionless, Jim came up to her, did some derriere patting himself, and removed her high-heels. Removing her shoes wasn't part of the plan, but I think I like it, I thought to myself as I continued to look at the 12 monitors.
"Hey, boss lady," said Jim. "How about if I remove your panty hose and give you a foot massage? You still seem a little tense."
"Hey, big man, why don't you just put down the gun and let me put this lady down," I said to Jim, not very convincingly. "I don't even know her and we're both pretty embarrassed. I hope Seattle television viewers aren't looking at the two of us being humiliated."
After six minutes of her slung motionless over my shoulder, Jim finally decided to let me put her down. He winked at me, threw me one of her shoes, gave me a thumbs up, and said he would be out in the parking lot waiting. Sue was a bit light-headed after her ordeal and started to run toward the security guard (who was oblivious to all that was going on, of course) for help. I decided I wasn't through, chased her from behind, and scooped her up in my arms, and said, "I gotcha, it's all right now. I'll take you back to your husband. He's waiting for you" . I was pleased to see that the sobbing former "queen of mean" chose to rest her head on my shoulder as I slowly walked toward the parking lot and dropped her in Jim's arms.
"Thanks, Jim. Great job! You deserve this". The anchor woman clone struggled to get out of Jim's arms, but Jim had things under control and pressed her tightly against his chest for about 30 seconds. Sue's feet hadn't been on the ground for nearly 18 minutes, except for the three seconds she spent running toward the security guard.
"Okay, you two. Save it for the wedding night," I said. "Time for the three of us to head back to the virtual recycle bin." I pointed and clicked the left button of the mouse at all three of us clones. Meanwhile, the "original" Ms. Lathrop was wrapping up the newscast and berating the crew off camera. Just another normal day, as far as the rest of the world was concerned.
That evening I turned on the computer and was pleased to see that Mrs. Lathrop's carrying history had been updated as follows:
height:- 5:7 weight:, 128 lbs
occupation:. - television news anchor
residence: Seatlle Washington
Date and time of carry: 2/4/99, 12:11-12:29
Carried by: me
Type: OTSC (deadman's lift, fireman's carry, cradle carry) Reason: held at gunpoint by deranged cameraman, who wanted to satisfy a fetish.
Date and time of carry: 7/14/94, 14:45
Carried by: husband
Type: arm carry
Reason: twisted ankle playing tennis and was carried to car
Date and time of carry: 8/23/92, 23:31
Carried by: husband
Type: arm carry
Reason: just married; carried over threshold