The Pickup Lounge

Having viewed as many of the o.t.s. images on the Web as I've been able to find, I have noticed a certain lack of technique among the carriers. Here's how I do it: The basic (non-fireman's) carry (fig.1) entails an element of surprise (as does the traditional f.c., which we'll cover in a moment.)

Make sure your intended isn't an overly aggressive type (I was actually bitten once!) PMS, which is often obvious, will make most any girl less cooperative. Not that struggling is bad (it's generally quite delightful), it's just that you don't want a full-on brawl on your hands! It's also best if she's been to the bathroom recently - not that I've ever had an accident, but you never can tell. If she's actually having her period (this can sometimes be determined by discrete voyeurism - I once noticed the telltale signs simply by observing a potential carry-ee as she sat in her shorts), please leave her alone! She doesn't need this right now, no matter how badly you think you do. If her pants are very tight (jeans don't usually rip under such stress, but they can), you may be quite tempted to proceed, but don't say I didn't warn you! I once split a girl's pants wide open doing this. That wasn't as fun as it sounds to some of you!

Anyway, it's good if you can establish a "disadvantage point" (the whole point of our little game is that it puts a girl at a decided disadvantage, right?) A distraction can be most useful ("Look at that hang glider!" will do, if necessary.) You should be crouching already; a good pretext is retrieving a dropped object. Now if you're right-handed, seize the lady by the right wrist with your left hand, drawing it toward yourself and over your head,. and pull her smoothly over your right shoulder. Plant your shoulder well below her navel; any higher and you'll cause her such discomfort as to make her breathing difficult, thus shortening your fun. (The larger/heavier your charge, the more discomfort she's likely to experience. A petite girl is ideal, but I know how it is - I've sometimes had years transpire between o.t.s.c.'s, since one can't always have all one's options.)

Now wrap your right hand firmly around the backs of both knees, squeezing her thighs together. As you stand, straighten your back first, lifting with your knees. It's generally a good idea to give her a gentle toss upward and back as you reach full upright position, making sure that you use the opportunity to throw her a bit farther over your shoulder. (All that adrenalin that was raging through your system up 'til now finally comes into play.) This not only makes her stay over your shoulder slightly less uncomfortable, but it also provides the optimum view, whether you have access to a mirror or a spectator (the latter is less fun for you, but may give him ideas, often to your ultimate benefit and the overall growth of the community of o.t.s.c. aficionados.) You should still be holding onto her wrist at this point, which gives you the mechanical advantage of being able to keep her from trying to raise herself up to a more dignified position.

Situating the lady as far over your shoulder as possible puts the cleavage of the derrière where it can be best seen, at the top.

If she is wearing shorts or a miniskirt (better and best, respectively), this also hikes them/it up in back for maximum panty visibility (a peek is often better than a blatant display, such as trying to raise her skirt. Whatever happened to subtlety?) If you're lucky enough for her to be wearing a one-piece outfit such as a mini dress or shortalls, the hike-age factor will be significantly enhanced, as her head down attitude pulls the whole outfit with it. At any rate, she should now be reasonably helpless (advanced tips on this will follow shortly.) I personally like to see a shouldered girl's legs fully straightened (fig. 2), which she can and might do only if you're not pulling her knees inward toward yourself. The knees, both front and back, have more personality this way. (BTW, there's something to be said for wrapping the right hand around as far as possible to the front of the knees - I think they're sexier than a Stratocaster, both to behold and to, uh, beheld.) If she's cooperative enough to kick helplessly, then this becomes a moot point.

If you've done everything right, your lady friend is now slung securely over your shoulder. Her reaction will now be fully manifest. Reactions vary widely. A fiery Sicilian girl I once shouldered kicked furiously, and her fierce command to put her down was best complied with, her temper being somewhat famous. Usually they buffet their legs in a display of coquettish protest, which I consider ideal. Whether you should comply with "put me down" depends on the tone of her voice. If she complains that she can't breathe, set her down at once - you probably picked her up the wrong way, anyway. Placement of your right hand (one of the greatest pleasures of this pastime) should be established by the time you get her properly situated (i.e., within the first 1.5. - 2 seconds). I myself think that the backs of the thighs at the knee are outrageously sexy, depending on the girl, but if you prefer an upper thigh hold, establish this by the time you complete the "toss" that settles her over your shoulder; otherwise, she'll notice that you're moving your hands up toward her fanny and either get mad or at least begin to suspect something she wouldn't normally suspect. Part of the fun here is that a girl, being wired very differently from a guy, often doesn't fully suspect the naughty nature of what you're doing to her. This naïveté is one of the niceties of our sport. If you choose to twirl her around or pretend you're going to throw her off the balcony, this further diminishes her suspicion that your motives were any more than a bit of spirited horseplay.

Some worldly-wise girls can tell that you just wanted to get your hands on her thighs, or even that you wanted to contemplate her helpless rump in the mirror; these can be the most disagreeable. Choose your playmate carefully! Occasionally she'll know but not mind. No two are alike!

Normally you need an excuse for this type of treatment; it needn't be elaborate, but on the whole you can't just walk up to a girl, friend or stranger, and sling her over your shoulder. If you can somehow initiate a conflict (i.e., "if you call me 'Biff' one more time..."; "Don't touch the mouse, I'm watching this screen saver!"; or, simple yet often effective, "Give me the ball!") you may be able to get her to defy you. If you're lucky she'll do or say something insolent, and you can play off that. If you know her well you might simply get away with throwing her over your shoulder for no apparent reason on the grounds that you were feeling frisky. (Don't offer to guess her weight unless you're really prepared to make a reasonable attempt based on your shenanigan.) I once got a girl I was madly in love with to jump up and hang from some monkey bars simply by doing so myself and executing one solitary chin-up. She followed suit, and before she could even get down, I'd seized her around the thighs. "What are you doing?" she asked reasonably, hanging on as best she could. "Nothing," I replied (shoulda said "testin' your grip, luv,", or something a bit more clever.) Naturally, her grip eventually failed, and I was rewarded by a heartwarming "flop" over my shoulder. She even kicked daintily, much to my great delight. Boys will be boys...

Some variations on the standard over-the-shoulder carry should be discussed. One of my favorites, if the subject is cooperative (or even uncooperative) is what I call the "handcuff" carry (fig.3).

Quite simply, you establish the o.t.s.c., then, while holding her right wrist with the left thumb and forefinger, use the remaining fingers to grab her other wrist. You may have to temporarily shift her right wrist to your right hand (which you would normally do in a standard fireman's carry) while you use the left to grab her left wrist. You can now pinion them together in your left hand while your right resumes its hold on the thighs. Your lady friend, provided your grip is good, is now as helpless as if handcuffed or otherwise bound. This is good for girls who try to use their free hand to pinch, poke, or otherwise interfere with your sport; plus the added humiliation will increase the thrill factor, perhaps even for both of you. (I found this hold extremely difficult to illustrate, so try to enjoy the maid's plight and not get technical on me.) (I believe Rochelle is actually saying, "What, aren't you going to do something? Help me!")

The traditional fireman's carry is, by and large, a much more ergonomic (read: comfortable) carry both for the carrier and for the carry-ee. The technique is essentially the same, but instead of seizing both legs, the right hand passes between the legs and wraps around the right thigh, and the girl's weight is distributed over both shoulders. The right arm is often passed between the thighs and used to hold the girl's right wrist or elbow. Again, the "handcuff" technique can be used, if desired or necessary. The primary disadvantage of this carry is that the damsel's derrière is not as conspicuously elevated (this can be alleviated somewhat by hanging the joint of her elbow, rather than her upper torso, over your left shoulder; see fig 4.)

Advantages include the option of a pleasant grip on the inner and upper thigh, ability to climb/descend ladders (hence the term "fireman's carry") or otherwise use the left hand, and added comfort for the lady, who may be able to remain in this position as long as you can hold out. (I have a theory, not yet proven, that a carefully situated girl in this position might actually receive some stimulation from the point of your shoulder, provided you carry her in such a fashion as to rub her gently on her hot spot.) If you are relatively small and/or thin, this may be the only viable alternative for carrying all but the smallest girls for any distance or length of time. Spindly shoulders (such as I had until I learned to shoe horses) will cause considerable discomfort to any girl in a standard o.t.s.c., no matter how carefully you've positioned her. A bit of consideration is a must if you're to make this a pleasant sport for all involved.

If your maiden is at all passive (as sometimes happens over the course of a minute or two of this fun), you may be able to release her hands altogether to hang helplessly as you use both hands to grasp her thighs. If you are carrying your sweetheart for any distance or length of time, it may also be necessary, as I've found it easier to bear a girl's weight with both arms wrapped around her hapless thighs. This can be great fun to see in a mirror (BTW, since large mirrors are often few and far between, a large window, such as a picture window, can give a very passable reflection, provided it's dark enough outside, and the room is well-enough lit.) Few sights are as pulse-quickening as that of a properly attired young lady draped helplessly over one's shoulder, her feet kicking feebly in coquettish protest. If you dare, and if you know your companion well enough, you may wish to give her a playful smack on the behind, especially if she's been so cooperative as to resist, or even struggle passively. (I imagine that this will stimulate even the most submissive lass to indignant, petulant resistance, though I've never had the chance or nerve to try it.)

Once you tire of this position (nobody lives with a girl over his shoulder, after all), you can still attempt to prolong the overall ambiance of the moment by draping your damsel over a convenient object. (I once hung a girl over a tree branch after I couldn't carry her any longer.) The back of a sofa is a possibility. Much better would be a rail fence or similar object - use your imagination. Most likely (although by no means definitely) she'll quickly extricate herself from such a predicament, unless you happen to have selected a location from which she would have difficulty escaping, such as the aforementioned tree branch. (Don't do this if you're not sure the objective will support her weight.) This is at best a last ditch effort to prolong the visual aspect of a damsel in distress, and not a serious part of our discussion.

If I have treated such a seemingly silly subject too seriously, or in too much detail, blame it on obsession. Years of mostly fruitless Internet surfing finally seem to be paying off with the existence of this site. I hope this will inspire a bit of refinement in this area of interest. Carry on, gentlemen!

I wish to add to the OTS Carry List having been an astute observer of this type of action all my life.

In "Young Billy Young", Robert Mitchum ends the film by pulling scantily-clad dancehall queen Angie Dickinson off the stage and carrying her o.t.s. out of the dancehall. Her famous legs fill out those fishnets wonderfully, as I recall, and her struggles and protests add to the fun. (I have seen this video for sale on the Web.)

Showtime produced a series of plays for cable in the early 80's. In "Barefoot in the Park", a neighbor helps a newlywed girl to change a lightbulb by lifting her over his shoulder ("With the greatest of physical pleasure!" he responds to her request for a boost.) Of much more interest is Margot Kidder's lead in the Showtime production of "Bus Stop". In the famous o.t.s.c. scene, in which Marilyn Monroe wore a long coat, Margot is wearing her fishnets and no coat! Her helpless dangle over the cowboy's shoulder really burned itself into my psyche. (I have no indication as to whether this series is available on video.)

Remember "Josie and the Pussycats"? I was in love with Melody, but my all-time favorite scene involved a bit of cowardice by the band's manager, Alexander. When confronted with one dangerous situation in particular , he responded by slinging his mini-clad, skunk-haired sister, Alexandra, over his shoulder and running away. Mind you, she didn't like that, but I did...

Wish I could remember which particular episode of "Hawaii-5-0" it happened in, but one of them commenced with a man chloroforming a miniskirted young lady, draping her over his shoulder, and taking her away, all under the watchful eye of an unseen neighbor. Later on in the same episode, she is shown once again being carried o.t.s. into the kidnaper's lair and laid on a bed where she regains consciousness. (I think this ep is mentioned in one of those other D.i.D. filmographies.)

More recently, in a film I saw on a plane, "Just in Time", a snooty rich girl in heels and a white minidress finds herself surrounded by animals in a petting zoo. She starts to have a petulant fit until some guy bundles her over his shoulder to carry her out. She doesn't resist at all. (I had the sound off, so I don't know the story line.)

There was an episode of "Laverne and Shirley" in which some guy who had no talent other than rollerskating had to enter a talent contest. L. & S. agree to help out, and they do some routine about monkeys, all on skates. He's wearing a gorilla suit, I believe, and the girls are wearing those little monkey pillbox hats and stockings of some sort. At the climax of the routine, the "gorilla" picks up Shirley in a fireman's carry and twirls her around until she can hardly stand up. Nice view, Shirl.

Bob Hope and Elke Somers starred in one of the official worst movies of all time, "Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number!" In one scene that makes it all worthwhile, Hope is trying to hide this ko'd Swedish bubblebath queen, clad only in panties and one of his shirts, from his wife. After carrying her around over his shoulder, he finally hangs her by the shirt collar from a hook on the bathroom door (don't try this at home, kids! And don't bother watching the rest of the film, either.)

Sally Struthers starred in a TV movie (it may have been called "Blue Eyes"), in which she is searching Southeast Asia for a child (hers? I don't remember.) I only remember her having to be carried o.t.s. through the jungle, and how nicely she filled out her jeans. I guess some things never leave you...

At the end of Frank Capra's "Arsenic and Old Lace", Cary Grant finally flips out, assumes the role of Teddy Roosevelt, throws his young bride over his shoulder and yells, "Chaaaaaaaaarge!!", running off into the proverbial sunset. This film should be seen by everybody on its own merit. Nice touch at the end, though.

I''ve never seen the film, but the box for the video of the old classic "My Man Godfrey" shows Carole Lombard over the shoulders of this Godfrey chap. Anyone know if this happens in the film?

Likewise, a lobby card for "The Bride Came C.O.D." shows Mickey Rooney with the (smiling) bride draped over his shoulders. That doesn't necessarily indicate whether this happens in the film

I remember an episode of "Fantasy Island" in which a woman got to live out her fantasy of being a Prohibition-era torch singer. At one point she is abducted by gangsters in classic o.t.s. fashion. Nice to know she paid a million bucks for this...

In an episode of "Mork and Mindy" Pam Dawber is in some sort of other-dimensional limbo, and Robin Williams briefly shoulders her. Nice pants, Mindy.

I conclude with a true story of profound interest to all devotees of the o.t.s.c. Many years ago my bass player, Walter and I were at the house of two sisters who were in relationships with a couple of guys in our band. (Both girls have both since gone on to appear in major motion pictures.) I was in the habit of slinging both of these attractive young ladies over my shoulder, and Walter soon caught on and joined in, much to my amusement. The girls didn't like it (Sarah, the elder of the two explained, "I don't like having my rear in the air.") That day I happened to have shouldered Sarah, and Walter, in a fit of inspiration, exclaimed, "Let's have a butt-fight!" I understood immediately. Walter seemed to think that you needed the girl's permission, and he had to coax Patty to lean over his shoulder to be lifted. Patty, being Walter's girlfriend, reluctantly submitted, doubtless wanting to please him (hadn't she heard what he'd just said?) Next thing you know, we were ramming the girls' shorts-clad bottoms together as though we were sumo wrestlers (in reality we were really skinny wannabe rock stars.) I don't remember how it ended (such moments can be intoxicating), but we tried it again later, only to be met by a total yet understandable lack of cooperation. "We'll get 'em next time," Walter whispered to me. Time will tell, Walter...
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